A Parody on Princess Ida
Date: 2015-02-12T00:00:00+00:00
Keywords: Sullivan; Arthur; 1842-1900 -- Parodies; imitations; etc.; Chicago and Alton Railroad Company -- Drama; Railroads -- Illinois -- Drama; Railroads -- Missouri -- Drama; 1842-1900. Princess Ida

The Project Gutenberg eBook of A Parody on Princess Ida

This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.

Title: A Parody on Princess Ida

Author: D. Dalziel

Release date: February 12, 2015 [eBook #48246]
Most recently updated: October 24, 2024

Language: English

Credits: Produced by Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed
Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was
produced from images generously made available by The
Internet Archive)

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A PARODY ON PRINCESS IDA ***

A Parody
on
Princess Ida

by
D. DALZIEL.

GLORIA ALTON

KING GAMA ARRIVES.

WE ARE WARRIORS THREE.

By D. DALZIEL,

Editor of the Chicago News Letter.

Scene—Interior of King Alton Hilderbrandt’s Palace in the City of Chicago, U. S. America. Courtiers, Officials of the Service, Soldiers of the Railroad, Body Guard, Conductors and Passenger Agents, looking out on the line of the Chicago and Alton Railroad with telescopes, opera glasses, etc.

[CHORUS.]

Search throughout the Panorama
For a sign of Royal Gama,
Who by the Alton this day shall,
Accompanied by his child and pal,
Come from Adamant.

Some misfortune evidently
Has detained them—consequently
Search throughout the Panorama
For the daughter of King Gama,
Prince Hilarion’s Plant.

FLORIAN—Will Prince Hilarion’s hopes be sadly blighted?

ALL—Who can tell!

FLORIAN—Will Ida slight the man to whom she’s plighted?

ALL—Who can tell!

FLORIAN—Can she an Alton ruler thus irritate?

ALL—Who can tell!

FLORIAN—If so, she’ll pay for it at any rate.

ALL—

We’ll not despair,
For Gama would not dare
To make a deadly foe
Of Alton’s King, and so

Search throughout, etc.

(Enter King Alton Hilderbrandt.)

HILDERBRANDT—No sign of Gama yet? The regular train from Castle Adamant came in exactly on time, some fifteen minutes since. I will here in parenthesis remark, that all trains on the Alton Road invariably do come in on time. I saw it from my castle window; four sleepers, two drawing-room cars, a dining car, three reclining-chair cars and five coaches.

FLORIAN—Your liege forgets that you placed a “special” at his disposal, but still he should be here.

HILD.—’Tis true, but still it’s very odd. But, if Gama fails to put in an appearance at the Court before the sun sets, accompanied by his daughter, to whom our son was betrothed at the extreme age of one, then there will be war between Gama and ourselves. (Aside.) I dread this greeting. When last I saw Gama, twenty years ago, he was a fretful, twisted monster, with a tongue as bitter as the agents of our rival lines.

FLORIAN—(Who has been looking attentively down the track with his glasses.) But stay! I see the smoke of an approaching train. I even hear the music of its wheels, as they fly like magic o’er the glittering rails. Already it is at the station. From a private car I see somebody; guards descend, and now a bent and crippled form of human shape. It must be Gama.

HILD.—And is the Princess with him?

FLORIAN—Not unless she’s six foot three, and wears suspenders.

HILD.—Who can tell! I’ve heard that she is a whimsical sort of girl. But come! Bustle up there. Let everything be prepared. The costliest of dinners, the meanest of prison fares; the richest room in the palace, the deepest dungeon, too. For as King Gama brings his daughter, or brings her not, so shall he be treated.

HILARION AND HIS FRIENDS.

THE CHICAGO & ALTON DEPOT.

HILDERBRANDT (furious): ENOUGH OF THIS, WHERE IS YOUR DAUGHTER?

(Enter Prince Hilarion, Knight of the Road, Grand Master of the United Order of Chicago and Alton Railroad Conductors, and an exquisite.)

HILARION—(Aside.) To-day I meet my baby bride, to whom I was betrothed twenty years since. I have every confidence that my own accomplishments, and the influence of the line with which I am connected, will suffice to re-unite our bonds to-day. They are above par on the market. (To Hild.) Well, father, is there any news?

HILD.—King Gama has just arrived, and is now on his way here from our dépôt; but I fear without the Princess.

HILARION—Alas! I have heard strange stories of my bride. They tell me she has foresworn men—never having had anything to do with them she probably does not know what she loses. But they say she has shut herself up in the Castle Adamant accompanied by a number of devotees. It is strange, considering that she lives so near our line that the mere proximity of our Alton men has not had its usual influence before this.

(Enter a representative of the Chicago and Alton Railroad.)

REP. OF C. & A. R. R.—My liege, I beg to announce the coming of King Gama, preceded by his three royal sons.

HILD.—Bid them enter.

(Enter Arac, Guron and Synthius, warriors bold.)

ARAC—

[SONG.]

We are warriors three,
Men of worth are we,
Just arrived by steam,
Strange as it may seem.

ALL THREE—

Yes! yes!

Strange as it may seem.

GURON—

Special train we had,
Not so very bad,
Really very fine
By the Alton Line.

ALL THREE—

Yes! yes!

By the Alton Line.

SYNTHIUS—

Dining-car so rich,
Sleeping-car like which
Nothing can compare
Running time so rare.

ALL THREE—

Yes! yes!

Nothing can compare.

ARAC—My liege, we beg to present our respects, and to thank you for our pleasant journey on your line. It is our unpleasant duty also to announce the coming of our Royal Father.

(Enter King Gama.)

GAMA—

[SONG.]

If you give me your attention I will tell you what I am,

I’m a genuine philanthropist—all other kinds are sham.

Each little fault of temper and each social defect

In my erring fellow creatures I endeavor to correct.

To all their little weaknesses I open people’s eyes,

And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise.

I love my fellow creatures, I do all the good I can,

But everybody says I’m such a disagreeable man,

And I can’t think why.

For all who do me favors I’ve a withering remark,

And as for beating railroad lines, I think it quite a lark,

I wheedle out free passes, and I call the road a sham,

I sell them to the scalpers, that’s the sort of man I am.

I put rocks upon the railroad tracks, and try to wreck the train,

Get a madman hired as engineer, and swear the man is sane.

I spread all sorts of rumors, and have all the fun I can,

Yet! Everybody says I’m such a disagreeable man,

And I can’t think why.

When I get into a sleeper I sit up half the night,

And try to make the ladies think that everything’s not right.

I cut in strips the cushions, the curtains always tear,

And pleasantly suggest aloud: “They are the worse for wear.”

I go into the smoking car, and remark I never smoke,

And when the weeds are all put out, I explain it’s all a joke,

You see, I try to make myself as pleasant as I can,

Yet! Everybody says I’m such a disagreeable man,

And I can’t think why.

And yet, with all my little whims I really must decline

To say a single word against the fav’rite Alton Line.

To speak in praise of anything goes hard against the grain,

But I really never was upon such a perfect train.

I had dinner in a dining car, which every want could fill,

And I drank my health quite frequently, and didn’t pay my bill.

You see I try to make myself as pleasant as I can,

Yet! Everybody says I’m such a disagreeable man,

And I can’t think why.

HILARION CHECKS HIS BAGGAGE.

ON THE DINING CAR.

GAMA—So this is the royal castle of the Chicago and Alton Railroad? Dame Rumor whispered that the place was on a par with everything connected with the Alton Line. Superb! Royal! Grand!

HILD.—(Gratified.) Oh! Sire.

GAMA.—But she’s a liar. And this is your son! Dame Rumor also said he was the leader of fashions among the Alton employes, but he’s changed. He used to be a singularly handsome child.

HILD.—(Furious.) Enough of this. Where is your daughter, whom on your plighted word should be here to-day?

GAMA—She would not be tempted. She hates railroad travelling. I don’t blame her. I tried to explain that a journey on the Alton was a delicious reverie set to music on wheels, but she was obdurate. She’s in Castle Adamant foresworn to all men, surrounded by a hundred maidens fair, who think as she does.

HILD.—Surely we can win her over?

GAMA—Not you! She and her companions will have nothing to do with anything masculine. One young lady brought a mail phaeton with her to the castle and she was expelled. When the time comes for the fast mail for Kansas City over your line to pass, the young ladies shut themselves in the basement cellar. Perhaps the never failing graces of your Alton men may win her.

PRINCE HILARION—Well! I’ll try (to Cyril and Florian), and you shall accompany me. Come quick! Your satchel. We have just time to catch the fast train for Castle Adamant, and we will see whether the graces of one Alton man won’t change the tenor of these young ladies’ ideas. Quick! secure us berths. (Exit officials.)

HILD.—Yes! and you, King Gama, and your baby boys shall remain here as hostages. (Re-enter officials.) Sorry to say, sir, that every berth in the five sleepers is taken. Nothing left to swing a duster in.

HILD.—Then take our special car (exit officials to give orders), and now, King Gama, a word to you. If aught befall the flower of this road, look out for your life. Take him to a cell and give him one of our time tables to pass away the time. (Exit Gama and his three sons in chains.)

The scene changes to the dépôt of the Chicago and Alton Railroad.

With the prince and his two friends checking their baggage and then to the gardens at Castle Adamant, a charming retreat on the line of the Chicago and Alton Railroad. In the distance can be seen the steel tracks of the Chicago and Alton Railroad glittering in the noonday sun. The air is calm and balmy, disturbed only by the occasional song of some bird, or the musical hum of a distant train on the Alton Line, as it whizzes with lightning speed along the track. The lady graduates of the Princess Ida’s seminary are on the scene, seated on the lawn at the feet of Lady Psyche.

LADY P.—Attention, ladies, while I read to you the list of punishments ordered by the Princess Ida. The first is Claire. She’s expelled.

ALL—Expelled!

LADY P.—Yes, expelled! Because, although she knows that no man of any kind may scale these walls, she brought a set of chessmen here. The next is May. She is also expelled for receiving letters.

MAY—They were from my mother!

LADY P.—It matters not, they came by mail. The next is Edith. She is also expelled for being found with a Chicago and Alton folder in her possession.

EDITH—What harm is that?

LADY P.—A young lady of this seminary is not allowed to harbor things that fold-her. The next is Blanche. She is also expelled for looking out of her window when the Chicago and Alton train was passing.

BLANCHE—I was only looking out for the sleepers, they are so—

LADY P.—Enough! Looking out for sleepers is not a square game to play. Even horrid man condemns it. And now, young ladies, prepare yourselves, for your Princess Ida will be here directly to read you the lessons of the day.

PRINCESS IDA AND HER COMPANIONS.

PRINCESS IDA AND THE ALTON ANGELS.

A CHANGE OF COSTUME.

THE ALTON MEN ARE APPRECIATED.

(Enter the Princess Ida.)

IDA—Women of Adamant, gathered together for the noble purpose of shunning that vile creature known as man, listen while I a tale unfold. Our undertaking is a noble one. We, women assembled as we are in this retreat, know full well the uselessness of man. Let nothing tempt you from your path of sworn duty, and yet! methinks, the dangerous proximity of that horrid Alton road is a glittering temptation to some of your thoughtless heads. If by chance your eyes should light upon one of the creatures they call their officials, let not their gaudy tinsel turn your giddy brains. It is true that they dress with exquisite taste, that their manners are those which Lord Chesterfield so highly commended, that they belong to the only railroad corporation in the world which even I can look upon with feelings akin to admiration. It is true also—this fact I cannot deny—that the equipment of the Alton Line is as near perfection as human ingenuity can make it. That their train service is perfect, their cars superb, their track as smooth as the skin on my face, and that they run the only through train worth taking between Chicago and Kansas City, and all points West. I can say this fearlessly. Their tracks are but steel, their cars merely wood and metal, and we have nothing to fear from wood and metal. But beware of their officials. Do not be deceived into thinking that because a man is godlike in appearance, he is anything but a man after all. With all their grace, their outward charms and pleasing manners, these creatures would win your hearts, and wear them too, with all the assurance with which one of us would knock the top off an egg for breakfast. This much being said, I beg you to follow me to partake in the usual exercises of the day.

(Exit Princess, followed by the ladies of the seminary. The sound of an engine whistle is heard. Then enter Hilarion, Cyril and Florian at back, creeping cautiously.)

TRIO.

Gently, gently,
Evidently
We are safe so far.
The Alton Train,
With sweet refrain,
Brought us, here we are!

Flying lightly,
Whizzing sprightly,
O’er the Alton Track.
We expect to
All invite you
When we journey back.

HILARION—Hush, scoffer! Despite the advantages of our remarkably excellent line, it is proper for you to remember that you can’t work off any tickets here in this college of learning. These ladies are going to do wonderful things, I am told. List to their intentions:

They intend to live alone

From us men; from us men.

Like the doggy with his bone,

Do you ken; do you ken?

Then they’re greedy with their graces,

Selfish girls; selfish girls.

And they hide their pretty faces

And their curls, and their curls.

They’ve a very queer intention

It is sung, it is sung:

To resist polite attention

From the young, from the young.

They’ve another funny notion,
They can do without devotion
From an Alton man—what notion—
If they can, if they can.

These are the Phenomena,
That every pretty Domina
Hopes that we shall see
At the Universitee.

CYRIL—

As for Railroads they are ready
To admit; to admit
That their employes are steady
And they sit, and they sit
A dreaming of the Alton men
At their best, at their best;
And waiting for the hour when
They pass West, they pass West.
But, each newly made aspirant
To the clan, to the clan,
Must repudiate the tyrant
Known as man, known as man.

The Alton Road Conductors
They regard as mere seductors,
And they’re going to do without them
If they can, if they can.

These are the Phenomena
That every pretty Domina
Hopes that we shall see
At this Universitee.

HILARION IN CLOVER.

I’M A PEPPERY SORT OF A KING.

FREE AS A TETHERED ASS.

OH! DON’T THE DAY SEEM BLANK AND LONG.

HILARION—And so here we are, in the breast of the citadel. Hallo! what’s this? (Examining some robes left by the female graduates.) Why! Academic robes, robes worn no doubt by some of the undergraduates. Here, you fellows! Put them on. (They do so, and the robes reach to their feet. They look as any well-regulated Alton man looks in anything—extremely fetching. They burst out laughing.)

TRIO.

Hilarion, Cyril, Florian.

HILARION—

I am a maiden coy and graceful,
Stately I, with a face divine,
But with my smiles I’m ever faithful,
True to the men of the Alton Line.

ALL—

Haughty, humble, coy and free,

Little care I what maid may be.

So that a maid is fair to see,

Every maid is the maid for me.

FLORIAN—

I am a maiden sweet and lusty,

Dainty and pleasant am I to see,

Timid and shy, and oh! so trusty.

An Alton man is the man for me.

ALL—

Haughty, humble, coy and free,
Little care I what maid may be,
So that a maid is fair to see,
Every maid is the maid for me.

HILARION—But who comes here? The Princess, as I live.

CYRIL—What is to be done?

HILARION—Why, brave heart, my boy. Remember that you are an Alton man, and be brave. (Enter Princess.) He bows low. Madam, accept my humblest reverence.

PRINCESS—Ladies, you are welcome. What might be your pleasure with me?

HILARION—(bowing.) We are three well-born maidens, ma’am! daughters of those who run the Alton line, who wish to join the University.

PRINCESS—You say you are the daughters of those who run the Alton Line. Well! You’ll find no comfort here. Your bed will be that of the humblest. No downy mattress, soft pillows, or the rock of a Pullman Palace Car to send you to sleep. Your fare will be plain and simple, your beverage nature’s stream. No dining-car lunches at seventy-five cents a meal, which ought to cost $2.00. No delicacies out of season, or fine wines iced, as you get on that line. Your service must be done by yourselves. No obsequious porters will brush your boots or carry about your bundle. And so, if you think well of this, there are here one hundred maidens fair who are prepared to love and welcome you. Will you try to give the fullness of your love to them?

ALL—Indeed we will.

PRINCESS—Then you are welcome.

(Exit Princess. The men burst out laughing and do a bit of a breakdown. Lady Psyche enters back and looks at them with amazement.)

LADY P.—These ladies are unseemly in their mirth.

FLORIAN—It’s all up, Hilarion! Here is my sister.

HILARION—Then make a virtue of necessity, and take her in our confidence.

FLORIAN—(To Lady Psyche.) Psyche! why don’t you know me, your brother, Florian?

PSYCHE—(Amazed.) Florian. (They embrace.) What are you doing here? Oh, dear! You know it is death for any man to be found within these walls. How did you get here?

FLORIAN—By the ever reliable Chicago and Alton Railroad, of which I am a humble but devoted employe.

PSYCHE—Oh, dear! Then you are an Alton man (looking at him with admiration). I always thought you would be something great some day. But who are these?

HILARION—I am Prince Hilarion, of the Alton Line also. Your early playfellow, and the betrothed of your Princess.

PSYCHE—I might have known you were an Alton man. To imitate their bearing is impossible. Listen! and I will tell you the history of a man who once tried to rival a Chicago and Alton man:

[SONG.]

An Alton man of lineage high
Was aped by a rival in days gone by.
The man was radiant as the sun,
The rival was an unsightly one.
So it would not do,
His scheme fell through

To the world when his scheme took formal shape;

Expressed such terror

At his monstrous error

That he stammered his apology and made his ’scape,

The picture of a disconcerted ape.

With a view to rise in the Railway scales,
He washed his collar and cut his nails.
He bought a uniform and made it shine,
And swore that he belonged to the Alton Line.
But it would not do,
His scheme fell through,
For the Alton man was beauty’s king,
With graceful manners,
Like Lord John Manners,
While the rival lacked the metal ring,
And always remained a puny thing.

He bought white ties and he bought new boots,
And he dressed himself in bran-new suits;
Then he put C. & A. on all his things,
And he bought a pin and diamond rings.
But it would not do,
His scheme fell through,
For the Alton man whom the rival aped
Was a radiant being,
Well worth seeing,
While the rival King, however shaped,
At best was an Alton man ill-aped.

THERE WAS MY PORTER GRINNING.

AN ALTON DART.

IN BATTLE ARRAY.

THE FIGHT.

(They do another breakdown, during which enter Princess at back. She looks on in amazement.)

PSYCHE—(Looks at her terrified.) All is lost!

PRINCESS—What is this? It seems to me that female garb become you ladies ill. I don’t think I ever saw a gentlewoman do a breakdown before.

HILARION—We hope to become young ladies soon.

PRINCESS—But are not now?

HILARION—(Throws off his robe, and then throws himself at the feet of the Princess.) ’Tis useless to dissemble farther. We are merely men. I am Prince Hilarion, your betrothed, and these two are my friends.

PRINCESS—(Screaming.) Men! and Alton men at that! Ring the bell! Fire the alarm guns, and have the Army of Amazons take them to the most secret cells and annihilate them.

(Loud turmoil; enter all the girls running frightened. They catch sight of the three Alton men, and immediately fall prostrate at their feet and regard them with languishing eyes.)

PRINCESS—Summon my henchmen! (They come.) Seize and bind them. (They do it.) And now, adventurous men, much as I admire your shape and venerate the line you represent, you must die (with emotion). My principles must be observed. So take them off. (Loud noise heard outside; enter girls running with fright.)

MELISSA—Princess! There is an armed force at the gates of the castle, just arrived by the St. Louis express and headed by King Hilderbrandt. They demand admittance.

PRINCESS—Refuse it.

ALL—Too late.

(A loud crash is heard; enter King Hilderbrandt with his army of Chicago and Alton conductors, armed to the teeth. In the centre they drag Arac, Guron and Synthius, chained together.)

HILD.—(Coming down.)

Some years ago,
No doubt you know
(And if you don’t I’ll tell you so),
You gave your troth
Upon your oath
To Hilarion my son.
A vow you make
You must not break
(If you think you may, it’s a great mistake),
For a bride’s a bride,
Though the knot were tied
At the early age of one!

And I’m a peppery kind of king,
Who’s indisposed for parleying
To suit the wit of a bit of a chit,
And that’s the long and the short of it!

PRINCESS—(Irresolutely—the girls meanwhile look with loving eyes at the conductors.) I still refuse!

ITS RESULT.

HILARION I SURRENDER.

(Arac, Guron and Synthius come down.)

ARAC—

We may remark, though nothing can
Dismay us,
That if you thwart this gentleman
He’ll slay us.

We don’t fear death, of course, we’re thought

To shame it.

But still, upon the whole, we thought

We’d name it.

ALL—

Yes! yes! Better perhaps to

Name it.

GURON—

This gentleman controls a Line—

A stunner.

With splendid bed and track as fine—

A hummer.

We hate his line, but still we must

Propound it.

The Alton is a line to trust—

Confound it.

(TOGETHER.)

Yes! yes! In spite of that, confound it.

SYNTHIUS—

We wish its trade was light and slack—

It isn’t.

Its service bad, with moldy track—

It isn’t.

But give to Cæsar what is due,

Yes, rend it.

We really must, and strongly too,

Commend it.

(TOGETHER.)

Yes! yes! yes! Darn their eyes,

Commend it.

ALL—

The Alton is a road, as such
None beat it.
St. Louis is a point they touch,
Repeat it.
And if you doubt they’ll get you there
You’ll rue it,
For when they say they’ll get you there,
They’ll do it.

(TOGETHER.)

Yes! yes! yes! Devil doubt

They’ll do it.

PRINCESS—I still refuse!

PSYCHE—Madame! your father claims an audience; he has just followed King Hilderbrandt on the Denver Express.

PRINCESS—Admit him.

(Enter Gama.)

GAMA—Free as a tethered ass. I dare not keep this up. I dare not face the malignity of this devil, Hilderbrandt.

PRINCESS—He has treated you well, father. Even a wretched man, when he belongs to the Alton Line, is always a gentleman.

GAMA—Yes! yes! But he has made my life a curse. Think of it, I had nothing whatever to grumble at.

[SONG.]

The more I try
I can’t deny,
Altho’ I’m very spiteful,
I’m bound to say
The livelong day,
The Alton is delightful.

Now, when a man
Does all he can,
A rival line despising,
And in reply
They fete him—why
It’s hard, there’s no disguising.

Oh! don’t the day seem blank and long,
When all goes right and nothing goes wrong,
And isn’t your life extremely flat
With nothing whatever to grumble at?

When in a car
Above the par,
Officials are quite pleasing.
And when a line
You hate is fine,
It’s surely very teasing.
They treat me well,
Ah! what a sell,
I thought they’d be ungracious.
But not a bit—
They strained their wit
To make my thoughts fallacious.

Oh! don’t the day seem blank and long,

When all goes right and nothing goes wrong, etc., etc.

The Alton whirls
The pretty girls
From eyes that are repining.
And takes the best
Of travel West
In cars with chairs reclining.
A dining-car
Without a jar,
And coaches really tasteful.
A splendid track
Both there and back,
Now isn’t that disgraceful?

Oh! don’t the day seem blank and long, etc., etc.

When off to bed
They gently led
Me to a couch bewitching,
I prayed they might,
At least, that night,
The holy train be ditching.
But fate was there,
We sped like air,
And nothing happened tragic,
And then I wept,
And then I slept,
And dreamt the line was magic.

Oh! don’t the day, etc., etc.

When morning came,
’Twas just the same,
There was my porter grinning;
I called him Sam,
And muttered Dam,
He really looked so winning;
I looked around,
And there I found
A car of pleasant faces;
It seemed their bent
To be content,
In spite of my grimaces.

Oh! don’t the day, etc., etc.

BOARDING THE ALTON TRAIN AFTER THE WEDDING.

AN IMPROMPTU WEDDING.

HILARION WELCOMES IDA TO THE ALTON LINE.

PRINCESS—Poor father! how you must have suffered.

GAMA—Yes, my child, and the only thing to do is to surrender. We must capitulate. I have often heard that opposition to the Alton line is futile, and now I know it.

(Enter Hilarion.)

PRINCESS—Hilarion, I surrender. My heart was with you long ago, but my principles forbade it. Take me.

HILDERBRANDT—Then we will have an impromptu wedding. Everybody who wants to marry everybody else can do so. (The remark is a signal for every girl in the party to throw her arms around the neck of the nearest conductor.)

GAMA—And take my advice, make your wedding trip over the Chicago and Alton Line.

ALL—We will.

GAMA—Hereafter, consider Castle Adamant yours. You may make it a coupon station, if you please, and advertise it as a pleasure resort.

(The organ is heard; a procession formed, and the entire party indulge in an impromptu wedding, after which the Chicago and Alton train for Chicago is boarded, and everybody starts upon a trip, which cannot but bring them happiness.)

Moral.

An official of the Alton Road is irresistible.

RETURN TO CHICAGO.

THE RECEPTION.

TWENTY YEARS LATER.

THE END

*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A PARODY ON PRINCESS IDA ***

Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will be renamed.

Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you charge for an eBook, except by following the terms of the trademark license, including paying royalties for use of the Project Gutenberg trademark. If you do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the trademark license is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and research. Project Gutenberg eBooks may be modified and printed and given away—you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the trademark license, especially commercial redistribution.

START: FULL LICENSE

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE

PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK

To protect the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting the free distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work (or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project Gutenberg™ License available with this file or online at www.gutenberg.org/license.

Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works

1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg™ electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property (trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in your possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.

1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg™ electronic works even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project Gutenberg™ electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below.

1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the Foundation” or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the United States and you are located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg™ works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg™ name associated with the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg™ License when you share it without charge with others.

1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project Gutenberg™ work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any country other than the United States.

1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:

1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg™ License must appear prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg™ work (any work on which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, copied or distributed:

This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.

1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase “Project Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg™ trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is posted with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked to the Project Gutenberg™ License for all works posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.

1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg™ License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg™.

1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project Gutenberg™ License.

1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg™ work in a format other than “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official version posted on the official Project Gutenberg™ website (www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg™ License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.

1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg™ works unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing access to or distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works provided that:

- • You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from the use of Project Gutenberg™ works calculated using the method you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, but he has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in Section 4, “Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.”

- • You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg™ License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg™ works.

- • You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of receipt of the work.

- • You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free distribution of Project Gutenberg™ works.

1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the manager of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.

1.F.

1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project Gutenberg™ collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain “Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment.

1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, and any other party distributing a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE.

1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further opportunities to fix the problem.

1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’, WITH NO OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.

1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.

1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone providing copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg™ work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg™ work, and (c) any Defect you cause.

Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg™

Project Gutenberg™ is synonymous with the free distribution of electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from people in all walks of life.

Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg™’s goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg™ collection will remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure and permanent future for Project Gutenberg™ and future generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org.

Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation

The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non-profit 501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws.

The Foundation’s business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the Foundation’s website and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact

Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation

Project Gutenberg™ depends upon and cannot survive without widespread public support and donations to carry out its mission of increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed in machine-readable form accessible by the widest array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations ($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt status with the IRS.

The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate.

While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who approach us with offers to donate.

International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.

Please check the Project Gutenberg web pages for current donation methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate.

Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg™ electronic works

Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg™ concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project Gutenberg™ eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.

Project Gutenberg™ eBooks are often created from several printed editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.

Most people start at our website which has the main PG search facility: www.gutenberg.org.

This website includes information about Project Gutenberg™, including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.

Table of Contents

- A Parody on Princess Ida

- THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE